Motivation

Everyone has good and bad days. Lately, I've been having some really high high's and some super low low's. I think I've always been the type of person to accept some things at face value without question. So growing up I thought, like a lot of people still do (and I sort of still do too), that happiness is defined by whatever you define as success. In my own case I've always believed my career would bring me genuine happiness.

I used to define a successful career by a fancy degree and how much money I made, which is why I aspired to be a lawyer when I was young, and then an accountant as I matured a bit. I wanted the money, I wanted my dream home, car, and closet. In a way money is still a factor, despite any realizations I achieve I'll always be a realist at heart. But material things have taken a backseat to finding joy in what I do. I can't tell you how much I hated my Introductory Accounting classes. I also can't fully describe the joy I've gotten from design.

I made the decision to abandon my comfort zone, move to chicago, and go to art school to study Interior Design (while burying myself in student loans might I add). It was huge for me, monumental. I've always created an image for myself based on what I was told was right. Now I was making the effort to look at myself, and see what was truly right for me. I'm the sort of person who either puts their whole heart into something, or nothing at all. I can't half ass anything. Its a blessing and a curse, just like anything. I don't regret my decision to switch paths at all, In fact I'm unbearably anxious to get started. But I've been left with 7months of empty time to nurse my doubts.

Failure is my biggest fear. I'll squash your centipede or other multi-legged foe, I could probably even do something ridiculous like jump out of a perfectly good airplane (with a parachute of course) with a few good breathing exercises. But hand me any task, as insignificant as a school paper, and I will turn over every possible way I can mess it up. On the other hand, I will pour of ideas on how to make it reach every potential greatness its meant to achieve. A motivated individual could follow through with the latter, I on the other hand, have an additional conflicting quality.

I could possibly be the most easily discouraged person in existence.

I might have all of these ideas, and if I'm having a good day I might even get them on paper, but the slightest kink in my mindset (most commonly manifested as the traditional 'I'll start tomorrow') will throw my whole effort off track. And when that happens, I'm a million times more disappointed in myself, therefore magnifying the original kink by a million causing me to shut off and take my head and heart out of anything and everything. It's quite a slump.

An incredibly wise and good friend of mine, Adam, happened to call yesterday. I couldn't say specifically when, but I always feel as though he's already been where I am and I trust the honesty his perspectives. So naturally, I spit out my problems in a fast paced rant ending in a heavy sigh and an 'I just don't know'. And being the wise badass Adam is, I got some incredibly valuable insight.

He told me to slow down. Essentially, my physical manifestations of what would make me happy were off yet again. Why? Because its not about the what, its really about the who and how. 'So you're moving, you're going to art school. So what?' My sheer respect for him was the only thing that kept me from yelling 'SO WHAT?!' I hadn't taken that decision lightly, and I've cherished it as a turning point, and used it as hope and encouragement that eventually I'm going to feel content with who I am. That even thought I'm miserable right now, its all worth it. After all of this work, I'm going to actually be able to enjoy my life.

My ultimate fear right now? I'll be strong, motivated. I'm going to work this hard, run myself until I'm empty. Im going to leave what I have at home for somewhere new, and work my ass off. Its all supposed to be for something I love, so I can have the life I dream about, but I'll spend so much time working to get there, In the end I won't have time to enjoy anything.

How wrong of me. 'Its about how you live. God isn't going to look at me and say 'You refused to pay your estranged wife you heartless bastard' he's going to say 'You had a good run Adam, you lived well.'

My happiness shouldn't be based on things like my perfect career, in my ideal city, with security and the lofty apartment with a closet full of things that make me feel confident. It should be about how I live the life I already have. Holding myself to a moral standard of honesty and integrity, kindness and compassion. Or as Sgt. Adam Clark would say; Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal courage. And he's right.

I may not believe I'll face 'God' one day, but I will have to face myself. When the day comes that I'll have to sum up who I am, its not going to be the physical things I've gained in my life, but how I've lived the life in which I gained them. Whether I learned from my mistakes and grew as a human being, not in net worth.

I wont deny that I do still dream of the same things, projects I want to complete in my lifetime, things I'd like to have just because (Like this lovely vanilla soy chai latte I would love to enjoy every morning), and places I'd like to see or live. But I've taken a different stand point on the importance of those things overall. I want to be able to define myself by the context of my actions.

Determining my personal philosophy on the best way to 'be' is in order.



(P.S. Thank you Adam, for being there when you can and always having open ears and an open heart. I hope I can return the favor for all that you do for me somehow, even though I know you act without expecting so. love&gratitude, always)