Guilt.

I've had the most awful morning.

First, I've been working full-time overnight for the last few weeks and its been working pretty well for me, until today. I have to transfer locations every few weeks and I recently transferred really close to home, huge plus right! Well, the crappy part is that now I'm on this weird new schedule. My shifts went from 11pm to about 8am to 8pm to about 430am. So instead of having a perfect 6hour block of sleep after I get out of class at 230, its been cut in half. Long explanation short, I'm extremely tired and the potential for sleep is extremely low.

Also, EXTREMELY unprepared for school today, and most likely the rest of the week. I'm in a huge rut. I was barely keeping up in class, and now I'm just flat out behind. Today I showed up to Biology Lab (because I accidentally slept through lecture) to give a presentation that was supposed to be a lot longer than a paragraph, but thats all I had. Mind you this was a GROUP presentation, and I've been playing the blame game in my head since I woke up. But I'm making significant effort to be a bigger person and just accept it, move on, and do better. What else is there to do?

The problem isn't this project, its a small part of a large grade and I'm not super concerned on its effects. What I am concerned about is my mental state. School is supposed to be my main priority right now. I've always put it off to work and social things, but since I've been so career focused with my move to Chicago and being better academically realistically it needs to come first. But I'm working 40+ hours a week, abusing my body with sleep deprivation and a serious lack of nutrition (I've never drank so much caffeine/ate so much fast food ever). What for? I've not nothing to show for it yet but some disappointed group mates.

Next week I'm being pulled from overnight to work back at my home store. Its only 27 hours in the week and they're close shifts so I get to sleep during normal hours of the night. At first, I was seriously upset. Its a pay cut, but nothing serious and only for a week. This is my chance to pull it together, get some work done, and get some serious rest and relaxation.

I think I need to learn to be more self motivated. I'm really dependent on having somebody on my heels saying 'C, you NEED to do this and you HAVE to finish it now.' Its not bad to have support for a necessary occasional boost, we all get discouraged. But I'm ALWAYS discouraged. Am I really so incapable of being self-sufficient, or am I just seeking some outside attention?