How is it a person can feel so disappointed in themselves, but yet do so little to change what they've been doing that got them there? Its like I go through the motions everyday and then go to bed because I'd rather be living in my dreams. In my dreams where I get up on time, walk out the door feeling presentable and confident when an extra 10 minutes to get coffee before class. In my dreams where I can sit through a lecture and just care enough about whats being said that I can take notes that mean something when I actually do go back to study from them. Dreams where I stop at the gym on my way home, study a bit or read a book sitting over a healthy dinner I made myself. Maybe even dreams that include somebody to share that with.
I wish I go back to bed tonight, and just wake up in my life the exact way I'd envisioned it. Or at least I wish I could go to bed knowing I'll wake up and just BE happy, when whatever I do or don't have.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Guilt.
I've had the most awful morning.
First, I've been working full-time overnight for the last few weeks and its been working pretty well for me, until today. I have to transfer locations every few weeks and I recently transferred really close to home, huge plus right! Well, the crappy part is that now I'm on this weird new schedule. My shifts went from 11pm to about 8am to 8pm to about 430am. So instead of having a perfect 6hour block of sleep after I get out of class at 230, its been cut in half. Long explanation short, I'm extremely tired and the potential for sleep is extremely low.
Also, EXTREMELY unprepared for school today, and most likely the rest of the week. I'm in a huge rut. I was barely keeping up in class, and now I'm just flat out behind. Today I showed up to Biology Lab (because I accidentally slept through lecture) to give a presentation that was supposed to be a lot longer than a paragraph, but thats all I had. Mind you this was a GROUP presentation, and I've been playing the blame game in my head since I woke up. But I'm making significant effort to be a bigger person and just accept it, move on, and do better. What else is there to do?
The problem isn't this project, its a small part of a large grade and I'm not super concerned on its effects. What I am concerned about is my mental state. School is supposed to be my main priority right now. I've always put it off to work and social things, but since I've been so career focused with my move to Chicago and being better academically realistically it needs to come first. But I'm working 40+ hours a week, abusing my body with sleep deprivation and a serious lack of nutrition (I've never drank so much caffeine/ate so much fast food ever). What for? I've not nothing to show for it yet but some disappointed group mates.
Next week I'm being pulled from overnight to work back at my home store. Its only 27 hours in the week and they're close shifts so I get to sleep during normal hours of the night. At first, I was seriously upset. Its a pay cut, but nothing serious and only for a week. This is my chance to pull it together, get some work done, and get some serious rest and relaxation.
I think I need to learn to be more self motivated. I'm really dependent on having somebody on my heels saying 'C, you NEED to do this and you HAVE to finish it now.' Its not bad to have support for a necessary occasional boost, we all get discouraged. But I'm ALWAYS discouraged. Am I really so incapable of being self-sufficient, or am I just seeking some outside attention?
First, I've been working full-time overnight for the last few weeks and its been working pretty well for me, until today. I have to transfer locations every few weeks and I recently transferred really close to home, huge plus right! Well, the crappy part is that now I'm on this weird new schedule. My shifts went from 11pm to about 8am to 8pm to about 430am. So instead of having a perfect 6hour block of sleep after I get out of class at 230, its been cut in half. Long explanation short, I'm extremely tired and the potential for sleep is extremely low.
Also, EXTREMELY unprepared for school today, and most likely the rest of the week. I'm in a huge rut. I was barely keeping up in class, and now I'm just flat out behind. Today I showed up to Biology Lab (because I accidentally slept through lecture) to give a presentation that was supposed to be a lot longer than a paragraph, but thats all I had. Mind you this was a GROUP presentation, and I've been playing the blame game in my head since I woke up. But I'm making significant effort to be a bigger person and just accept it, move on, and do better. What else is there to do?
The problem isn't this project, its a small part of a large grade and I'm not super concerned on its effects. What I am concerned about is my mental state. School is supposed to be my main priority right now. I've always put it off to work and social things, but since I've been so career focused with my move to Chicago and being better academically realistically it needs to come first. But I'm working 40+ hours a week, abusing my body with sleep deprivation and a serious lack of nutrition (I've never drank so much caffeine/ate so much fast food ever). What for? I've not nothing to show for it yet but some disappointed group mates.
Next week I'm being pulled from overnight to work back at my home store. Its only 27 hours in the week and they're close shifts so I get to sleep during normal hours of the night. At first, I was seriously upset. Its a pay cut, but nothing serious and only for a week. This is my chance to pull it together, get some work done, and get some serious rest and relaxation.
I think I need to learn to be more self motivated. I'm really dependent on having somebody on my heels saying 'C, you NEED to do this and you HAVE to finish it now.' Its not bad to have support for a necessary occasional boost, we all get discouraged. But I'm ALWAYS discouraged. Am I really so incapable of being self-sufficient, or am I just seeking some outside attention?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Motivation
Everyone has good and bad days. Lately, I've been having some really high high's and some super low low's. I think I've always been the type of person to accept some things at face value without question. So growing up I thought, like a lot of people still do (and I sort of still do too), that happiness is defined by whatever you define as success. In my own case I've always believed my career would bring me genuine happiness.
I used to define a successful career by a fancy degree and how much money I made, which is why I aspired to be a lawyer when I was young, and then an accountant as I matured a bit. I wanted the money, I wanted my dream home, car, and closet. In a way money is still a factor, despite any realizations I achieve I'll always be a realist at heart. But material things have taken a backseat to finding joy in what I do. I can't tell you how much I hated my Introductory Accounting classes. I also can't fully describe the joy I've gotten from design.
I made the decision to abandon my comfort zone, move to chicago, and go to art school to study Interior Design (while burying myself in student loans might I add). It was huge for me, monumental. I've always created an image for myself based on what I was told was right. Now I was making the effort to look at myself, and see what was truly right for me. I'm the sort of person who either puts their whole heart into something, or nothing at all. I can't half ass anything. Its a blessing and a curse, just like anything. I don't regret my decision to switch paths at all, In fact I'm unbearably anxious to get started. But I've been left with 7months of empty time to nurse my doubts.
Failure is my biggest fear. I'll squash your centipede or other multi-legged foe, I could probably even do something ridiculous like jump out of a perfectly good airplane (with a parachute of course) with a few good breathing exercises. But hand me any task, as insignificant as a school paper, and I will turn over every possible way I can mess it up. On the other hand, I will pour of ideas on how to make it reach every potential greatness its meant to achieve. A motivated individual could follow through with the latter, I on the other hand, have an additional conflicting quality.
I could possibly be the most easily discouraged person in existence.
I might have all of these ideas, and if I'm having a good day I might even get them on paper, but the slightest kink in my mindset (most commonly manifested as the traditional 'I'll start tomorrow') will throw my whole effort off track. And when that happens, I'm a million times more disappointed in myself, therefore magnifying the original kink by a million causing me to shut off and take my head and heart out of anything and everything. It's quite a slump.
An incredibly wise and good friend of mine, Adam, happened to call yesterday. I couldn't say specifically when, but I always feel as though he's already been where I am and I trust the honesty his perspectives. So naturally, I spit out my problems in a fast paced rant ending in a heavy sigh and an 'I just don't know'. And being the wise badass Adam is, I got some incredibly valuable insight.
He told me to slow down. Essentially, my physical manifestations of what would make me happy were off yet again. Why? Because its not about the what, its really about the who and how. 'So you're moving, you're going to art school. So what?' My sheer respect for him was the only thing that kept me from yelling 'SO WHAT?!' I hadn't taken that decision lightly, and I've cherished it as a turning point, and used it as hope and encouragement that eventually I'm going to feel content with who I am. That even thought I'm miserable right now, its all worth it. After all of this work, I'm going to actually be able to enjoy my life.
My ultimate fear right now? I'll be strong, motivated. I'm going to work this hard, run myself until I'm empty. Im going to leave what I have at home for somewhere new, and work my ass off. Its all supposed to be for something I love, so I can have the life I dream about, but I'll spend so much time working to get there, In the end I won't have time to enjoy anything.
How wrong of me. 'Its about how you live. God isn't going to look at me and say 'You refused to pay your estranged wife you heartless bastard' he's going to say 'You had a good run Adam, you lived well.'
My happiness shouldn't be based on things like my perfect career, in my ideal city, with security and the lofty apartment with a closet full of things that make me feel confident. It should be about how I live the life I already have. Holding myself to a moral standard of honesty and integrity, kindness and compassion. Or as Sgt. Adam Clark would say; Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal courage. And he's right.
I may not believe I'll face 'God' one day, but I will have to face myself. When the day comes that I'll have to sum up who I am, its not going to be the physical things I've gained in my life, but how I've lived the life in which I gained them. Whether I learned from my mistakes and grew as a human being, not in net worth.
I wont deny that I do still dream of the same things, projects I want to complete in my lifetime, things I'd like to have just because (Like this lovely vanilla soy chai latte I would love to enjoy every morning), and places I'd like to see or live. But I've taken a different stand point on the importance of those things overall. I want to be able to define myself by the context of my actions.
Determining my personal philosophy on the best way to 'be' is in order.
(P.S. Thank you Adam, for being there when you can and always having open ears and an open heart. I hope I can return the favor for all that you do for me somehow, even though I know you act without expecting so. love&gratitude, always)
I used to define a successful career by a fancy degree and how much money I made, which is why I aspired to be a lawyer when I was young, and then an accountant as I matured a bit. I wanted the money, I wanted my dream home, car, and closet. In a way money is still a factor, despite any realizations I achieve I'll always be a realist at heart. But material things have taken a backseat to finding joy in what I do. I can't tell you how much I hated my Introductory Accounting classes. I also can't fully describe the joy I've gotten from design.
I made the decision to abandon my comfort zone, move to chicago, and go to art school to study Interior Design (while burying myself in student loans might I add). It was huge for me, monumental. I've always created an image for myself based on what I was told was right. Now I was making the effort to look at myself, and see what was truly right for me. I'm the sort of person who either puts their whole heart into something, or nothing at all. I can't half ass anything. Its a blessing and a curse, just like anything. I don't regret my decision to switch paths at all, In fact I'm unbearably anxious to get started. But I've been left with 7months of empty time to nurse my doubts.
Failure is my biggest fear. I'll squash your centipede or other multi-legged foe, I could probably even do something ridiculous like jump out of a perfectly good airplane (with a parachute of course) with a few good breathing exercises. But hand me any task, as insignificant as a school paper, and I will turn over every possible way I can mess it up. On the other hand, I will pour of ideas on how to make it reach every potential greatness its meant to achieve. A motivated individual could follow through with the latter, I on the other hand, have an additional conflicting quality.
I could possibly be the most easily discouraged person in existence.
I might have all of these ideas, and if I'm having a good day I might even get them on paper, but the slightest kink in my mindset (most commonly manifested as the traditional 'I'll start tomorrow') will throw my whole effort off track. And when that happens, I'm a million times more disappointed in myself, therefore magnifying the original kink by a million causing me to shut off and take my head and heart out of anything and everything. It's quite a slump.
An incredibly wise and good friend of mine, Adam, happened to call yesterday. I couldn't say specifically when, but I always feel as though he's already been where I am and I trust the honesty his perspectives. So naturally, I spit out my problems in a fast paced rant ending in a heavy sigh and an 'I just don't know'. And being the wise badass Adam is, I got some incredibly valuable insight.
He told me to slow down. Essentially, my physical manifestations of what would make me happy were off yet again. Why? Because its not about the what, its really about the who and how. 'So you're moving, you're going to art school. So what?' My sheer respect for him was the only thing that kept me from yelling 'SO WHAT?!' I hadn't taken that decision lightly, and I've cherished it as a turning point, and used it as hope and encouragement that eventually I'm going to feel content with who I am. That even thought I'm miserable right now, its all worth it. After all of this work, I'm going to actually be able to enjoy my life.
My ultimate fear right now? I'll be strong, motivated. I'm going to work this hard, run myself until I'm empty. Im going to leave what I have at home for somewhere new, and work my ass off. Its all supposed to be for something I love, so I can have the life I dream about, but I'll spend so much time working to get there, In the end I won't have time to enjoy anything.
How wrong of me. 'Its about how you live. God isn't going to look at me and say 'You refused to pay your estranged wife you heartless bastard' he's going to say 'You had a good run Adam, you lived well.'
My happiness shouldn't be based on things like my perfect career, in my ideal city, with security and the lofty apartment with a closet full of things that make me feel confident. It should be about how I live the life I already have. Holding myself to a moral standard of honesty and integrity, kindness and compassion. Or as Sgt. Adam Clark would say; Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal courage. And he's right.
I may not believe I'll face 'God' one day, but I will have to face myself. When the day comes that I'll have to sum up who I am, its not going to be the physical things I've gained in my life, but how I've lived the life in which I gained them. Whether I learned from my mistakes and grew as a human being, not in net worth.
I wont deny that I do still dream of the same things, projects I want to complete in my lifetime, things I'd like to have just because (Like this lovely vanilla soy chai latte I would love to enjoy every morning), and places I'd like to see or live. But I've taken a different stand point on the importance of those things overall. I want to be able to define myself by the context of my actions.
Determining my personal philosophy on the best way to 'be' is in order.
(P.S. Thank you Adam, for being there when you can and always having open ears and an open heart. I hope I can return the favor for all that you do for me somehow, even though I know you act without expecting so. love&gratitude, always)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I'm in Love.
After posting last night, I started casually browsing through blogs. After finding a few interesting ones, I decided to focus more on looking for Interior Design and Architecture blogs, since I've finally decided to live out my dream of being a designer myself.
I FOUND SO MUCH COOL SHYT.!
I stayed up for hours and followed like 15 blogs, bookmarked countless pages, and was inspired to start so many new things its nuts. It helped me to realize there is and INCREDIBLY vast amount of possibilities when it comes to design, and I should start trying to realize my personal focus. I fell in love with every urban, eco-living, 'green' thing I read, and discovered a few designers I've decided to follow in hopes of potentially interning for them. I was also inspired to start something called a 'mood board'. Its basically a cork board you fill with things that inspire you (pictures. textiles. words. artwork. anything). I know I'm just starting out, (I'll be moving to Chicago in August to study at the Illinois Institute of Art in their Top Ten Interior Design program!) but its never too early to start building your foundation. Every industry is a competitive industry, and I want to really stand out when its time to make my own place in that world.
I'm going to start keeping track of things I fall in love with, probably in another blog. And I have really wide taste here, so I think it will be an interesting collection! Naturally links will be included in case you fall in love with something too.
I've also decided to start something I stumbled upon called an 'Art Journal'. In essence, you regularly make time (how often is up to you) to make art (on your own or with another, or a group). Each time you get a prompt to inspire you, and you just create! Its meant to offer a deep understanding of yourself, and whoever you may choose to create with. I think it sounds like my type of therapy. I'm going to start collecting things to put in my 'mine bag' (a collection of clippings, scrapes, anything you may want to incorporate into your works of art!) and creating a prompt jar. I already have my journal! (a beautifully designed bound book from india) and hopefully be the end of the month I will be regularly creating!
Im thrilled about all of this, but I hope I'm not taking too much on. I could use all of your support!
I FOUND SO MUCH COOL SHYT.!
I stayed up for hours and followed like 15 blogs, bookmarked countless pages, and was inspired to start so many new things its nuts. It helped me to realize there is and INCREDIBLY vast amount of possibilities when it comes to design, and I should start trying to realize my personal focus. I fell in love with every urban, eco-living, 'green' thing I read, and discovered a few designers I've decided to follow in hopes of potentially interning for them. I was also inspired to start something called a 'mood board'. Its basically a cork board you fill with things that inspire you (pictures. textiles. words. artwork. anything). I know I'm just starting out, (I'll be moving to Chicago in August to study at the Illinois Institute of Art in their Top Ten Interior Design program!) but its never too early to start building your foundation. Every industry is a competitive industry, and I want to really stand out when its time to make my own place in that world.
I'm going to start keeping track of things I fall in love with, probably in another blog. And I have really wide taste here, so I think it will be an interesting collection! Naturally links will be included in case you fall in love with something too.
I've also decided to start something I stumbled upon called an 'Art Journal'. In essence, you regularly make time (how often is up to you) to make art (on your own or with another, or a group). Each time you get a prompt to inspire you, and you just create! Its meant to offer a deep understanding of yourself, and whoever you may choose to create with. I think it sounds like my type of therapy. I'm going to start collecting things to put in my 'mine bag' (a collection of clippings, scrapes, anything you may want to incorporate into your works of art!) and creating a prompt jar. I already have my journal! (a beautifully designed bound book from india) and hopefully be the end of the month I will be regularly creating!
Im thrilled about all of this, but I hope I'm not taking too much on. I could use all of your support!
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